After a ten day hiatus, I have had an epiphany. Allow me to explain.
At first I thought to be "myself" meant simply to act out the way I feel. I would ask myself a question and react accordingly to the answer. Often than not it was the first thing that came to my head. As I kept on at it, I realised there were more underlying feelings. The more I tried being myself; I found a more choice of selves. I understand that to be myself means consciously choosing which level of feelings I want to respond to and recognise that whatever I am feeling, I always have a choice to think carefully rather than selfishly about myself and those around me. When I am careful about the thoughts I brood on, because feelings precede thoughts, circumstances can no longer dictate my mood. But when I think carelessly, myself is “lost in thought”
Am I being myself at any point ?
It just takes a moment. To change everything. A lifetime of relationship can be found or cease to exist. How we act in these moments, do they really define who we are? Do intentions matter since no other but your self can be aware of them?
I seem to have lost a friend, a brother even but gained a fresh start on another aspect of life. Both in a meaningless setting, where for once, I realise actions and intentions show their true colours, either good or bad.
I hope this begins to justify the white hair.
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